It's Beginning To Sound A Lot Like Christmas...

It's Beginning To Sound A Lot Like Christmas
<sub>Or, Why We Need Patriotic Holiday Jingles Year-Round (It's For Our Children)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Everywhere you go...</sub>

It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas, my fellow Americans. The morning after Thanksgiving, anyone in this glorious country who turns on the radio may be pleasantly surprised by a jolly jingle. Who doesn't love to be reminded of figgy pudding right after a Thanksgiving feast?

It doesn't even matter what station you listen to—everyone sneaks in a holiday tune in between the hits. It's all part of the national No Radio Station Left Behind campaign (not endorsed by any governmental body) to standardize the holiday cheer. No one will be deprived of merry melodies for long, never fear. Any good capitalist planning to rush the department stores looking for Black Friday deals will get a heavy dose of musical masterpieces like the Muzak rendition of "Jingle Bells," guaranteed to energize every shopper and sales representative—and let's face it, those who work in retail may need something stronger than coffee to get them through such a busy day. For those who worry that the effect of lively music in a highly competitive hunt for bargains may lead to overzealous capitalism (like pepper spray warfare), let us not forget the Christian values that we celebrate in the spirit of Christmas.

These old-fashioned Christian values reverberate throughout the shopping centers of America, mixed in with a good bit of American patriotism, of course. Just think about the countless capitalistic odes to children's toys! Christmas songs remind us that the American way to deal with grief is to watch football and drink beer (as in the soulful classic "Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer"). One of my personal favorites, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas," features an ode to the U.S. educational system, as the parents can't wait for their children to stop running wild around the house and go back to school.

If anything, it is our children who have the most to learn about American values from our national holiday soundtrack. Children believe that if Daddy sees Mommy kissing another man, it'll be a cause for laughter and joy, because "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" helps young children develop denial mechanisms to escape the pain of a parent's adultery. Along a similar vein, children learn not to be duped by crooning women who are really just gold-diggers, which makes "Santa Baby" a child-friendly song despite its sexualized overtones. Nevertheless, "The Twelve Days of Christmas" teaches kids to expect extravagant gifts from their true love when they grow up; a stingy or impoverished gift-giver is probably not their true love, because the best gifts in life cost money. In "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," kids learn that nonconformists are social pariahs and have no friends. Children must learn about the cruel realities of the world through jaunty tunes so that life doesn't seem so hopeless and depressing.

In that sense, the abundance of Christmassy music in the holiday season is perhaps not enough; we may want to consider sprinkling such songs throughout the year, because a month is hardly enough time for children to pick up these key messages.

In addition to important life lessons, children broaden their vocabulary. Other than in "O Christmas Tree," where else is a kid going to hear the word "verdant" so often? Certainly not at school. Often older songs like "A Child This Day is Born" help children build rich vocabulary (with words like "incontinent") and give them the opportunity to unpackage unusual syntax and language, such as "'Twas by an angel unto them that night revealed and told." (What does that even mean, anyway?) Educational holiday songs also include the bilingual "Feliz Navidad," which lets American youngsters appreciate the tolerant multiculturalism of our nation and even pick up a Spanish word or two.

Of course, countless Christmas classics remind our youth that Christ was born in Bethlehem, which is in the Middle East, thus teaching kids about important geography beyond our nation's borders.

I think I have convincingly demonstrated that, if we as a country mandate the education of our youth in schools, we must also ask ourselves why we do not require a year-round deluge of Christmassy songs. Clearly, our children have much more to learn from Christmas music than they can ever hope to learn from school.

And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what Christmas music can do for you; but what you can do for Christmas music. Turn up the volume a little louder. Join demonstrations against the 1% of national retailers that refuse to blast holiday hymns all day long to drive their employees crazy. Remember, we do this for our children.